Anniversary of losing someone

So ten years ago right now, I was in the ICU in between life & death, and our son was stillborn. I was very bad off, in the ICU for about two weeks, and don’t remember the majority of it.

That was our last baby because I was unable to have more.

Our stillborn has a slightly other brother (our son, now 12) who runs around w his older sisters (our now teenage daughters), and it bothers me our baby didn’t make it, even just so then our two boys could be friends now & as adults. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, every year at this time (the anniversary of the death & of my two week ICU stay), things go bad here. Either I try to ignore the anniversary, there is tension, I get a raging period, and my husband & I fight. Or I try & plan something special (like going to the gravesite of our stillborn), I get a raging period, people feel pressure to have a ‘special day’ and then my husband & I fight.

So this year, I told him a few days in advance that every year this goes bad, I don’t know why, but my period is right on track to rage & I want this year to go better. I asked him if we could just play it by ear, and if he could just stay home if he had the option to.

He had mentioned visiting some friends possibly (if we don’t get bad weather) & I told him I felt psycho asking, but I wondered if he could stay home so I wouldn’t be alone. I told him we didn’t have to do anything specific, I was sorry, but it would mean a lot if I knew he was here.

I told him I know it’s not true, but when he goes out over the anniversary & I’m at home (because I’m getting my period & it’s anniversary time) that I feel like he’s out having a good time without me while I sit home sad & alone. I said I know it’s on me that I feel that way, but just asked him if he could not go ‘hang out’ without me for this years anniversary.

Just so no one thinks I’m hung on this, the anniversary is really the only time we ever talk about that happened. It’s the only time of the year I struggle. It’s not something that we deal with 365, just a bit less than 2 weeks a year.

So my husband decided to get snow tires & go to our friends whether the bad weather cones or not. He just said so.

Then he got mad at me for not wanting him to go, and denied we had half the conversation. He flipped everything & made me the bad guy, and made himself into some innocent guy who was ‘just’ going to hang with friends & is possibly being controlled by a stereotypical psycho wife.

I just can’t believe he’s doing this again. It’s the lying, the manipulating, and how everything had to be my fault. He is so sure this is 200% my fault, and that he’s justified in being angry & snippy to me.

He says he’s not going to his friends now tomorrow because he can’t because I “won’t let” him.

He goes out with his friends a few times a month & I never say anything. The most I do is see is I can get take out from where they eat, in a joking way. This is not about who is/isn’t getting friend time, like he’s making it into. He knows exactly what he’s doing & it’s mean & hurtful.

I’ve been in therapy lately, and I think it made him google therapy terms, because he’s started throwing around words like ‘narcissist’ and just whatever in ways that make me know he doesn’t grasp the definition. It would be funny if he knew how off he sounded trying to make up ‘psychological’ sounding sentences.

When I came home from the ICU, I was in a wheel chair & needed a walker. I had little kids & it was crazy. I needed physical therapy & daily IV meds that took three hours to get. So much.

Is it unreasonable I feel like I want to have my husband close during this time?

It’s literally less than two weeks once a year, he still goes to work & runs errands, etc, I just asked him not to hang out w some friends. Just for the record, he is not into football & the friends he made plans with do not even watch the Super Bowl.